Take a soft breath with me for a moment.
The season of gatherings is nearly here. Work parties, school concerts, neighbours popping in, long tables full of people you see once a year.
For some of us, that is pure joy. For many others, it comes with a quiet dread that has nothing to do with the food or the music.
Many readers have asked me some version of the same question, so let me put it in the words of one person who stands for all of them:
“I enjoy people, I really do. But after every get-together I lie awake replaying what I said. Did I talk too much? Was that joke strange? Did they actually like me? By the next morning I feel tired, as if I sat an exam I can’t remember. How do I stop needing everyone’s approval?”
If that sounds like you, please hear this first: there is nothing wrong with you. You are a caring person who wants to belong. That wish is beautiful.
Today I want to show you how to stop seeking approval without becoming cold, guarded or careless. It begins with one small question.
🌿 Why We Chase Approval in the First Place
Wanting to be liked is deeply human. We are made for connection, and somewhere inside, being accepted still feels like being safe.
The trouble starts when that wish quietly turns into a test.
Instead of walking into a room to meet people, we walk in to be marked by them. Every face becomes a judge. Every pause becomes a possible failure. And because nobody hands us a score at the end of the night, our mind keeps marking the paper long after we are home.
That is why it feels so draining. You are not only socialising. You are performing and grading yourself at the same time.
💛 Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
These are very common, everyday moments. You may recognise one or two:
- You leave a friend’s birthday dinner and spend the drive home going over one comment you made, sure it came out wrong.
- At the office party you laugh at jokes you don’t find funny, because staying quiet feels risky.
- You check whether someone liked your photo, then feel a small sting when they haven’t.
- At the school gate you rehearse what to say to the other parents, then say almost nothing.
- You agree with an opinion you don’t hold, and feel a little smaller for the rest of the evening.
- Someone seems distant, and you decide it must be something you did.
In each of these, the real question running underneath is the same one: “Will they like me?”
And that question has a hidden problem.
✨ The Fresh Angle: Approval Is a Test, Connection Is a Gift
Here is a reframe that can soften so much.
Approval is a test you can fail. Connection is something you offer.
When you go to an event hoping for approval, the outcome lives entirely inside other people. You can’t control their mood, their tiredness, their own worries, or whether they were simply thinking about their dinner. So you leave feeling powerless, and you try to win back that power by replaying everything.
When you go to an event to connect, the outcome comes back to you. You can always offer warmth. You can always be curious. You can always listen well. Nobody can fail you on that.
So the gentle practice is not to “care less”. It is to change the question you carry through the door.
🌸 The Question Swap: Before, During and After
Before you go
Instead of asking yourself, “Will they like me?”, try asking:
“What would I enjoy learning about someone tonight?”
Notice how your body responds to each one. The first tightens the chest. The second opens it a little, because now you are walking in with interest rather than fear.
You might choose something simple: where someone grew up, what they are looking forward to over the holidays, a book or film they loved this year, how they ended up doing the work they do.
While you are there
Whenever you catch yourself watching your own performance (“Am I being interesting enough?”), gently turn the attention outward again:
- Ask one follow-up question instead of planning your next line.
- Notice one thing about the other person you genuinely like.
- Let a small silence be a small silence. It is not a verdict.
Curiosity is a lovely place to rest your attention. It is very hard to be anxious about yourself and truly interested in someone else in the same breath.
Afterwards
This is where the old habit is strongest, so this is where the swap matters most.
Instead of reviewing “Did I impress?”, review:
“Did I connect with anyone, even a little?”
Maybe you shared a laugh with the person refilling the kettle. Maybe a quiet relative told you about their garden. Maybe you simply listened well to one friend who needed it.
That counts. That is the evening. Let the rest go.
🌙 5 Gentle Steps to Stop Seeking Approval
1. Name the habit kindly
When the replay starts, say quietly to yourself, “Ah, that is the approval habit again.” Naming it puts a little space between you and the thought. You are not the replay. You are the one noticing it.
If your inner voice tends to be harsh, my post on how to stop negative self-talk has more gentle ways to soften it.
2. Write the three-line review
Before bed, take a notebook and write just three lines:
- One moment I connected with someone.
- One thing I learned about another person.
- One thing I am grateful for from the evening.
Then close the notebook. The review is done, so the mind no longer needs to keep it open all night.
3. Give your body a way to come down
Social evenings leave the body buzzing, and a buzzing body loves to replay. A warm drink, a slow shower, a few long breaths out, a hand on your heart. If your mind still won’t settle, the practices in Can’t Switch Off? are made for exactly those nights.
4. Practise one honest “me too” or “not for me”
Approval seeking often hides in small agreements. Next time, try one gentle, honest line: “Oh, I actually love that too” when you mean it, or “That’s not really my thing, but tell me why you like it” when you don’t.
You will usually find people relax around honesty. Real connection needs a real you to connect with. For more on speaking up calmly, you may like How to Communicate With Confidence.
5. Notice who leaves you lighter
Over the coming weeks, notice which people you can simply be yourself with, and which ones leave you performing. You don’t need to cut anyone off. Simply let the lighter connections have a little more of your time.
If some friendships feel heavy, my gentle guide to friendship boundaries may help you sort through them with kindness.
🌟 What Changes When You Stop Seeking Approval
This is not about becoming someone who doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Caring is lovely. It is about no longer handing your worth to whoever happens to be in the room.
Slowly, the inner voice changes:
From “I hope they liked me.”
To “I enjoyed meeting them.”
From “I said the wrong thing.”
To “I was there, and I was real.”
From “I need them to approve.”
To “I already approve of me.”
And here is the quiet gift in all of this. When you raise yourself first, when you stand on your own worth, you bring a calmer energy into every room. People feel it. Warmth tends to meet warmth. Doors open more easily, in friendships, at work, and in every part of life where good things flow between people.
Not because you chased them, but because you stopped needing to.
💛 A Soft Closing for Your Heart
You don’t have to pass anyone’s test tonight.
You only have to show up, be curious, and be kind, to them and to yourself.
May your gatherings feel lighter this season.
May you leave each room with one small moment of real connection.
May your nights be quiet and your mind be gentle.
And may you always remember that your worth was never up for a vote.
If this spoke to you, tell me which question you will carry into your next gathering. Please leave a comment. I will read every one.
With warmth and gratitude,
Lily Grace
🌿 More Guides You May Love
✨ Speak With Calm Confidence
Simple ways to say what you mean, warmly.
👉 How to Communicate With Confidence
✨ Kinder Self-Talk
Soften the inner critic, one thought at a time.
👉 How to Stop Negative Self-Talk
✨ Stillness Practices
Three simple ways to quiet a busy mind at night.
👉 Can’t Switch Off? 3 Simple Stillness Practices
